Dear Younger Me

Dear Younger Maria (pictured here in 2009): You are going to be ok. You’re in hell now but you’re going to plug along and find your way out. It isn’t going to be easy and it isn’t going to be pretty but soon after this photo was taken you will summon the courage to reach out for help. You will call the nurse manager in your obstetrician’s office and in between sobs and heaving breaths, you will slowly and fully tell her how you think something is wrong. How you feel nothing when you hold your daughter and you cry all the time. How you only want to hide in a locked closet or a locked bathroom and in fact that is often what you do once the kids are asleep or with a babysitter. You are barely functioning but you are doing it. You are doing it mama. And those babies love you. And you are an amazing mother. And you are going to shine so brightly. I promise. Just hold on, trust in yourself, lean on your trusted friends and always remember that you are worthy of more than this feeling. More than this heart-wrenching, gut-punching pain and stifling loneliness. This emptiness that consumes you will subside and soon you will find a version of yourself that will set you free. Be brave sweet mama. I am so proud you. Love, Older Maria (2019) 🧡